When Love hurts

“You become what you think about all day long.” 
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

If the about quote is true, I'm in trouble.
I don't know when it happened, it started of as a casual acquaintance, something that took up my time infrequently and without that much thought. It was something that belonged alongside all the other things that filled my day, It was OK but nothing special. And then we went our separate ways, Life got in the way and there were others that would burn a flame with far more commitment and passion than me. A brief and playful dalliance was over.

A long, long time ago dancing in 'Peter's Hands' with Magpie Dance Company. Peter is the dancer in the picture, he choreographed the entire duet inspite of his severe learning disability, it was always a joy to dance.

My long term love has always been the theater, an empty one, preferably, with its ghosts and stories, where magical, fleeting moments, never to be repeated are played out six days a week. The rewards of Performing were always secondary to the feeling of belonging I had in an empty rehearsal space or theater, once my performing career had ended, I had assumed my destiny would remain tied to a twilight world where the hushed expectations of an audience would provide a creative soul with a reason to continue existing.
To this day I'm not quite sure when or why the transition out of the rehearsal space and into the gym happened, I was offered a job if I trained as a personal trainer so I took it. My love of theater wouldn't pay the bills and I had a mortgage and bill's so I walked away from something I loved into something I loathed.

I should explain, I loved working with clients but as someone who cant bear gyms and the 'No pain, no gain' culture that was so strong at the time, I just didn't fit. I certainly wasn't about to start drinking protein shakes and develop a sudden passion for competitive BMI statistics. And so, inevitably, I was fired, well that's what you get for not sleeping with the boss and doing too much Pilates, what had been a brief encounter in a previous dancing life was drawing me back in, my previous dalliance was soon to become a full blown relationship but it would come at a price.

And so here I am, I've taught Pilates for 12 years, 7 days a week for the first 9 years, 6 days a week for the last 3. I love what I do but the price has been high. Unlike the six days a week I worked in theater where you always had a theatrical family around you, I've worked alone and independently for the length of my Pilates career, no colleagues and few friends. Constant early starts and late nights throughout the week play havoc with a social life until you realize you no longer have one. And so I've realized if my love affair with the Pilates method is to endure then things have to change, in part I think that's why I returned to retrain, I needed to be with others in a shared space, somewhere I could be supported as well as support. I needed a studio to provide the security that an empty stage or rehearsal space had once done, I am eternally grateful to have found one, even if I do still love it best with no one in it. The baby steps I'm taking are clumsy, I'm awkward around noise, struggle painfully with social occasions and am still petrified (literally) of meeting new people unless its during work. But much like my clients I'm a work in progress and as much as the love and passion I have for Pilates evolves I've learnt it can easily take too much from you if you allow it to, I'm forever grateful that the early dalliance became a life long adventure, it will however not be allowed to hurt who I become but merely be a beautiful part of the whole current madness that is my life....once I get one that is!

Love and adventures,
Suzy
www.seraphinapilates.com

Feel free to defriend me....

When you 'Like' me what does that mean? when you 'follow' me or become my friend? I'm seriously starting to wander. Several years ago I came off Facebook because I was being bullied by someone close enough to hurt. My confidence, already low, couldn't take the hit so I removed myself from public view. My classes were full, so, I reasoned, I didn't need social media in my life, very few of my friends were on it so why bother? In truth however, once I started running my Pilates Retreats I realized I needed a place to interact with those who didn't know me, researching every aspect of our lives online has become a standard thing in daily life, whether its looking for cheap flights or reading the latest Gossip on Mr Clooney.

Returning to Facebook has given me access to people, teachers and organisations  I may never have heard about, for every petition I sign in total despair there are stories of life's hero's that remind me that there are good people doing extraordinary things daily in this world. However, having just spent the afternoon at the Shelter, my usual shift with the dogs reminded me just how much humans complicate a life that should be much simpler. As I walked and played with the rejected and unwanted dogs, the bereaved companions left behind and the unwanted litters of  puppies I thought how much time people waste being hurtful, spiteful or just plain cruel. Each week I interact with dogs with every right to be aggressive, reactive or vengeful I am always struck by how, for the most part  I am met with hope, warmth and often too much love no matter what fate had delivered.

So for those who wish to use social media as a way to thread bullying, to imply, suggest or generate gossip, lies or mistrust please do me the favor of defriending, unliking and unfollowing me immediately because quite frankly your presence in my life is a pain in the Arse. This includes those of you who direct it at my colleagues, my friends and my family. I don't let many people into my life, I'm fiercely guarded, but those I do I will protect, privately, publicly and usually very loudly. You see some of us who have been abused, hurt and bullied do not use it as an excuse to abuse, bully or  hurt. As my mother always said 'words are like nails that have been hammered in, even if you pull the nails out they still leave a mark, so be careful with the ones you use'

So if you're reading this I hope your a friend and I hope we continue to inspire and learn from each other, and to those with nothing more than venom in their words I say this ; the fat little girl, you know the one, the hearing impaired child who couldn't read until eight, constantly plagued by unsightly cold-sore outbreaks caused by anxiety, the one who chose to be a survivor and not a victim when some trusted adults failed her, the one who was told repeatedly by teachers that she just wasn't good enough no matter how hard she tried. Well, that child would like to thank you for the training because she's had a lifetime of listening to you and quite frankly she's finally graduated from ever having to listen to your Bullshit rhetoric again. She's done Ok and she's still going. Does this mean I wont shed tears when my confidence is crashing? I doubt it, but it wont be hateful voices keeping me there, it will however be the friends and family kicking me back into positive gear whether its though the magic of others posts, tweets, messages or good old fashioned Martinis putting the worlds to rights!

Me, aged 7

Have a wonderful weekend all!
Suzy
www.seraphinapilates.com

Don't tell Mama.....

“You can choose your friends but you sho' can't choose your family, an' they're still kin to you no matter whether you acknowledge 'em or not, and it makes you look right silly when you don't.”

― Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

So I've done it, I've survived my final Classical Pilates training weekend and a class with +KathrynRossNash as a last minute bonus. I have Advanced exercises, The 100's (repeated and repeated) and Limoncello still swimming around my head and now the fun begins threading it all together (perhaps easier without the Limoncello). Something occurred to me however, as I got chatting to some other participants taking Kathi's class, we were all from different schools of training, different backgrounds and all in different places in our teaching lives. I heard positive stories of training and less positive ones. I've been incredibly lucky in my own retraining (with http://www.pilatesnation.co.uk/ ) as there has only ever been support and encouragement. The bar has been set high and I have a lot of work ahead of me but the emphasis has been on learning, understanding, linking and doing, it has also meant making mistakes and acknowledging what I learnt from it, without fear and without judgement.

And so it frustrates, though doesn't surprise me to learn that others haven't been supported on their Pilates journeys by the very Pilates 'family', 'community' or  'school' they become part of when taking on the study and legacy of Joseph Pilates. But then the idea of family is a complex one, some are blessed to be close to parents, siblings, extended families etc, some of us have realized that DNA does not a happy connection guarantee and that sometimes the healthier thing to do is walk away. Some of us have had friends behave more compassionately, more honestly and more loyally than those supposedly charged with the role of caring for us unconditionally. Sometimes its our friends we have regarded as family that have hurt us the most.

In truth everything we love comes with conditions, an assumption of respect, understanding and patience, an expectation of honesty (even if it hurts), support (even when we think we don't want it) and occasionally intervention (or your Administrator, i.e my Mum insisting you take a break WITHOUT Pilates). So, are we a global Pilates family?, I like to think so, and yes that means we wont all get along or want to sit next to each other for 'Family time' or meet at 'Family gatherings' or even spend time at conferences together but I truly believe we can learn to respect the Pilates DNA that pulses so passionately through all our veins, after all  its passion for the work that got us all where we are now. And so I look forward to more family time, not easy for a confirmed little black sheep that never expected to fit in anywhere and I might even take a break to NJ in May....Just don't tell Mama I'm doing Pilates.......


Have a great week all....Suzy
www.seraphinapilates.com

Shhhhhhh.Dont tell Mama!