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A friend recently asked me why I hadn't written in a while, I paused.
Apart from the sudden realization that what I write is actually read by people I found myself reflecting on why almost six months had elapsed since I had last put pen to paper. The truth is the last few months have been a long road which I found myself wandering whether or not I was at the beginning or the end of. I was also fearful of being judged by my friends, my family and my peers.
Pilates is my passion but after my divorce, relocating back to my flat, Losing a third of my income overnight thanks to the closure of a Studio I ran classes from (property development clearly more important than community health and well being), starting at www.pilatesnation.co.uk as a studio Instructor and finally appreciating the Method I loved, whilst being overwhelmed all at once. I was also breaking in a new rescue pup to the family and navigating a Breast Cancer scare (all thankfully clear). Did I mention I'm also trying to buy a house in the country at a time when no one has conversations anymore (come back Mr Bank Manager, all is forgiven).
A website still not live which has meant no promotion for my Retreats.
An income cut has meant ceasing 1-1 sessions with my teachers and cutting back on classes I can take, including training. This fact in itself has left me feeling inadequate and lacking, I hear teachers saying time and time again how you must find the money, endure the sacrifices and do what is needed. Not nearly as easy in reality as the opinion is so readily given.
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| Some storms are just too important not to experience... |
The truth is I have needed the time to rebuild my life, learn from my mistakes, teach what I know and forgive myself for not being Superwoman or knowing more, at least temporarily. Don't get me wrong I'm in awe of the Teachers that can work, train, run families, relationships, friendships, blog, tweet, Instagram and still find time to remember to order the dog food but for now I'm lacking. Lacking in money, sleep, hours in the day and confidence. For 20 years I've had an unyielding work ethic in whatever I've done, Its cost me friendships, family time and a marriage, I used working as a way to avoid other areas in my life that I lacked experience, patience or skill in. If I was below average in everything else emotionally I could at least aspire to be the hardest working, most dedicated and most reliable student or employee.
Six months ago that changed
I stopped,
Sometimes we are given a second chance, sometimes the universe gives us one last chance to take a different road and I took it. Suffice to say I am blessed with Love in my life and blessed to have someone holding my hand as we find our often bare feet on new terrain. Its not just us now, there are children, parents, hounds and cats. There's a new home, beautifully old, romantic and in all likelihood held up with optimism, ivy and moss alone. But sometimes life presents the opportunity and all you can do is hold tight, trust what's important and have faith in what you feel in your deepest soul.
So really when you way up whats been lacking against what I'm going to gain, the last six months finds perspective. I've learned who my friends are, who my Pilates family really are, who loves me even when I cant be Superwoman. So as life starts to settle and I gradually find my way back to my Pilates practice more intensively I will have gratitude for the last six months and all its challenges, and not anger towards myself. In September I will be back in NYC with the people I love. I will play, explore and see the city through new eyes before heading back to NJ and to my Pilates Family and I will be surrounded by inspiration. I will come back a better teacher than I arrived and I will forever be grateful for the opportunity.
The truth is just when I thought life couldn't get busier. It has. My life is messy, unpredictable, painful, loving and breathtaking in equal measure but with a little optimism and a paintbrush I'm hoping the door to a little cottage in the Forest will be the first of many new adventures, after all, the end of the fairy tale really is just the beginning of the story......
Pilates Love,
Suzy
