When Love hurts

“You become what you think about all day long.” 
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

If the about quote is true, I'm in trouble.
I don't know when it happened, it started of as a casual acquaintance, something that took up my time infrequently and without that much thought. It was something that belonged alongside all the other things that filled my day, It was OK but nothing special. And then we went our separate ways, Life got in the way and there were others that would burn a flame with far more commitment and passion than me. A brief and playful dalliance was over.

A long, long time ago dancing in 'Peter's Hands' with Magpie Dance Company. Peter is the dancer in the picture, he choreographed the entire duet inspite of his severe learning disability, it was always a joy to dance.

My long term love has always been the theater, an empty one, preferably, with its ghosts and stories, where magical, fleeting moments, never to be repeated are played out six days a week. The rewards of Performing were always secondary to the feeling of belonging I had in an empty rehearsal space or theater, once my performing career had ended, I had assumed my destiny would remain tied to a twilight world where the hushed expectations of an audience would provide a creative soul with a reason to continue existing.
To this day I'm not quite sure when or why the transition out of the rehearsal space and into the gym happened, I was offered a job if I trained as a personal trainer so I took it. My love of theater wouldn't pay the bills and I had a mortgage and bill's so I walked away from something I loved into something I loathed.

I should explain, I loved working with clients but as someone who cant bear gyms and the 'No pain, no gain' culture that was so strong at the time, I just didn't fit. I certainly wasn't about to start drinking protein shakes and develop a sudden passion for competitive BMI statistics. And so, inevitably, I was fired, well that's what you get for not sleeping with the boss and doing too much Pilates, what had been a brief encounter in a previous dancing life was drawing me back in, my previous dalliance was soon to become a full blown relationship but it would come at a price.

And so here I am, I've taught Pilates for 12 years, 7 days a week for the first 9 years, 6 days a week for the last 3. I love what I do but the price has been high. Unlike the six days a week I worked in theater where you always had a theatrical family around you, I've worked alone and independently for the length of my Pilates career, no colleagues and few friends. Constant early starts and late nights throughout the week play havoc with a social life until you realize you no longer have one. And so I've realized if my love affair with the Pilates method is to endure then things have to change, in part I think that's why I returned to retrain, I needed to be with others in a shared space, somewhere I could be supported as well as support. I needed a studio to provide the security that an empty stage or rehearsal space had once done, I am eternally grateful to have found one, even if I do still love it best with no one in it. The baby steps I'm taking are clumsy, I'm awkward around noise, struggle painfully with social occasions and am still petrified (literally) of meeting new people unless its during work. But much like my clients I'm a work in progress and as much as the love and passion I have for Pilates evolves I've learnt it can easily take too much from you if you allow it to, I'm forever grateful that the early dalliance became a life long adventure, it will however not be allowed to hurt who I become but merely be a beautiful part of the whole current madness that is my life....once I get one that is!

Love and adventures,
Suzy
www.seraphinapilates.com

Feel free to defriend me....

When you 'Like' me what does that mean? when you 'follow' me or become my friend? I'm seriously starting to wander. Several years ago I came off Facebook because I was being bullied by someone close enough to hurt. My confidence, already low, couldn't take the hit so I removed myself from public view. My classes were full, so, I reasoned, I didn't need social media in my life, very few of my friends were on it so why bother? In truth however, once I started running my Pilates Retreats I realized I needed a place to interact with those who didn't know me, researching every aspect of our lives online has become a standard thing in daily life, whether its looking for cheap flights or reading the latest Gossip on Mr Clooney.

Returning to Facebook has given me access to people, teachers and organisations  I may never have heard about, for every petition I sign in total despair there are stories of life's hero's that remind me that there are good people doing extraordinary things daily in this world. However, having just spent the afternoon at the Shelter, my usual shift with the dogs reminded me just how much humans complicate a life that should be much simpler. As I walked and played with the rejected and unwanted dogs, the bereaved companions left behind and the unwanted litters of  puppies I thought how much time people waste being hurtful, spiteful or just plain cruel. Each week I interact with dogs with every right to be aggressive, reactive or vengeful I am always struck by how, for the most part  I am met with hope, warmth and often too much love no matter what fate had delivered.

So for those who wish to use social media as a way to thread bullying, to imply, suggest or generate gossip, lies or mistrust please do me the favor of defriending, unliking and unfollowing me immediately because quite frankly your presence in my life is a pain in the Arse. This includes those of you who direct it at my colleagues, my friends and my family. I don't let many people into my life, I'm fiercely guarded, but those I do I will protect, privately, publicly and usually very loudly. You see some of us who have been abused, hurt and bullied do not use it as an excuse to abuse, bully or  hurt. As my mother always said 'words are like nails that have been hammered in, even if you pull the nails out they still leave a mark, so be careful with the ones you use'

So if you're reading this I hope your a friend and I hope we continue to inspire and learn from each other, and to those with nothing more than venom in their words I say this ; the fat little girl, you know the one, the hearing impaired child who couldn't read until eight, constantly plagued by unsightly cold-sore outbreaks caused by anxiety, the one who chose to be a survivor and not a victim when some trusted adults failed her, the one who was told repeatedly by teachers that she just wasn't good enough no matter how hard she tried. Well, that child would like to thank you for the training because she's had a lifetime of listening to you and quite frankly she's finally graduated from ever having to listen to your Bullshit rhetoric again. She's done Ok and she's still going. Does this mean I wont shed tears when my confidence is crashing? I doubt it, but it wont be hateful voices keeping me there, it will however be the friends and family kicking me back into positive gear whether its though the magic of others posts, tweets, messages or good old fashioned Martinis putting the worlds to rights!

Me, aged 7

Have a wonderful weekend all!
Suzy
www.seraphinapilates.com

Don't tell Mama.....

“You can choose your friends but you sho' can't choose your family, an' they're still kin to you no matter whether you acknowledge 'em or not, and it makes you look right silly when you don't.”

― Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

So I've done it, I've survived my final Classical Pilates training weekend and a class with +KathrynRossNash as a last minute bonus. I have Advanced exercises, The 100's (repeated and repeated) and Limoncello still swimming around my head and now the fun begins threading it all together (perhaps easier without the Limoncello). Something occurred to me however, as I got chatting to some other participants taking Kathi's class, we were all from different schools of training, different backgrounds and all in different places in our teaching lives. I heard positive stories of training and less positive ones. I've been incredibly lucky in my own retraining (with http://www.pilatesnation.co.uk/ ) as there has only ever been support and encouragement. The bar has been set high and I have a lot of work ahead of me but the emphasis has been on learning, understanding, linking and doing, it has also meant making mistakes and acknowledging what I learnt from it, without fear and without judgement.

And so it frustrates, though doesn't surprise me to learn that others haven't been supported on their Pilates journeys by the very Pilates 'family', 'community' or  'school' they become part of when taking on the study and legacy of Joseph Pilates. But then the idea of family is a complex one, some are blessed to be close to parents, siblings, extended families etc, some of us have realized that DNA does not a happy connection guarantee and that sometimes the healthier thing to do is walk away. Some of us have had friends behave more compassionately, more honestly and more loyally than those supposedly charged with the role of caring for us unconditionally. Sometimes its our friends we have regarded as family that have hurt us the most.

In truth everything we love comes with conditions, an assumption of respect, understanding and patience, an expectation of honesty (even if it hurts), support (even when we think we don't want it) and occasionally intervention (or your Administrator, i.e my Mum insisting you take a break WITHOUT Pilates). So, are we a global Pilates family?, I like to think so, and yes that means we wont all get along or want to sit next to each other for 'Family time' or meet at 'Family gatherings' or even spend time at conferences together but I truly believe we can learn to respect the Pilates DNA that pulses so passionately through all our veins, after all  its passion for the work that got us all where we are now. And so I look forward to more family time, not easy for a confirmed little black sheep that never expected to fit in anywhere and I might even take a break to NJ in May....Just don't tell Mama I'm doing Pilates.......


Have a great week all....Suzy
www.seraphinapilates.com

Shhhhhhh.Dont tell Mama!

Reserving Judgements.....

“Reserving judgements is a matter of infinite hope.” ― F. Scott Fitzgerald

It has been a whirlwind 5 months since I started my Classical bridging course with http://www.pilatesnation.co.uk/ .Did I expect the long hours, frustrated practice and shear exhaustion?, yes. Did I expect to be inspired by some rare individuals on the way, in truth it hadn't really occurred to be to think about it. Life has a habit of running away with me, carrying me along and rarely looking back. That said I'm often struck by both  the beauty and ugliness of human beings in often disproportionate balance, i get disillusioned with humanity frequently, and then the curve ball, the moment you realise what you do and why you do it is about so much more than where the hands or feet are supposed to be placed. The fact is sometimes I've barely been able to crawl through life, let alone stand on either my feet or hands.

And so this blog is a thank you, to the fellow trainees I'm training along side. I'm in awe as I watch them learning, questioning and wading their way through into becoming the extraordinary teachers they are growing into. It is my hope that through humor, study and play that we will continue to learn alongside each other, no matter what they assume I know through my previous years of teaching, In truth I haven't actually taken the learner plates off yet.

The other unexpected and truly joyous part of the training has been helping some other amazing individuals as they take their final exams, and by help I simply mean by being a body, encouraging exploration and ultimately calming nerves I hope. As we meander through the maze of exercises, bodies and any number of possible configurations of mind, body connections together. I realise that this work really is a Sanctuary for many of us (you know who are for describing it so eloquently), its a space where we can have fun, heal wounds, learn to let go and learn just how strong we are. So the more I read and hear angry, bitter and quite honestly rude comments from those working in the very community I love and respect, the less I think these people have actually got the work and everything Pilates has to offer. Its not that I'm against debate or passionate opinion but truthfully how many of us got it all right from the beginning?, how many of us haven't  made errors in judgement? or simply had to made decisions based on paying our mortgage (and yes that means selling out on your principles at times) So as I continue through to my final weekend of training and into the real learning phase. I hope I continue to reserve my judgement's and continue to respect the paths of others. And in the meantime I look forward to my Monday duet with a friend, teacher and new found Pilates partner in crime, a woman that is extending her body, mind and spirit into the most inspiring places, even if she doesn't see it, both in life and Pilates, and in the meantime should she need a hand to steady her along the way I will always be just within reaching distance. After all if we cant support each others journeys when the road gets a little unsteady and downright treacherous at times  then whats the point?

Sometimes all you can do is reflect and keep moving forward....

Have a beautiful week all,

Suzy
www.seraphinapilates.com

We are just star stuff....

“The Cosmos is all that is or was or ever will be. Our feeblest contemplation's of the Cosmos stir us -- there is a tingling in the spine, a catch in the voice, a faint sensation, as if a distant memory, of falling from a height. We know we are approaching the greatest of mysteries.” 
― Carl Sagan, Cosmos

Every now and then as a Pilates teacher I am stopped in my tracks by someone, sometimes a friend, a client or someone I teach but more often than not by a stranger. This past week I've been struck by the suicide of a young girl I didn't even know, I've watched via social media as a young woman has had beautiful tributes paid which I suspect she would barely have recognized as even possible had she lived to read them. There is no age to die, but 19 is too young to believe something as precious as life is not worth living. In the same week I was contacted by someone equally distressed and needing help, her last hope being Pilates. It's at these moments I realize sometimes people just find me for whatever reason and that sometimes even a voice in the dark can provide a vague glimmer of hope.

There are no training courses for these scenarios, no codes of conduct or manifestos that will ever dictate how one should be in those moments, we just have to trust that the universe has put us there for a purpose and do our best to navigate the sometimes unsteady path. After all how does someone know their limits or set their boundaries until they've found themselves pushed painfully hard up against them? I'm reminded of my own darker times, of standing on underground platforms close enough to the edge to make others feel uncomfortable, thinking to myself that one more step would bring peace and silence to deafening sorrow whilst disregarding the endless noise and pain it might leave behind. I've sat up with friends providing suicide watch to hearts too broken to allow their lungs to breathe. I've taught on a  Psychiatric ward when a client tried to end her life (I was one of two people she would allow to know) When she survived, her priorities were cigarettes, chocolate Brazil nuts and Pilates- In that order. These responsibilities are huge but when you've stepped back from the edge and chosen life yourself then I believe you also choose to try and help others value theirs.

I've recently found myself  helping old clients find better Pilates, clients who have moved away and become disillusioned with the quality of teaching they are finding and frustrated by the lack of interest in Pilates some of these teachers demonstrate. And whilst there are some truly amazing teachers in the furthest reaches of the UK and beyond, a small town should not lead to a small attitude in a subject as broad and interesting as Pilates. With that in mind I set myself a challenge, to finally start meeting in person the 'strangers' that have been inspiring me starting next month in Leeds! And that's the point, social media and technology shouldn't mean increasing isolation and separation of ideas and emotions within society, it should be used to broaden our friendships, experiences and knowledge, in every aspect of our lives. So as a new week starts, listen out for the stranger at the petrol station that tells you you have pretty eyes, reread the words someone wrote about how much your teaching means to them and if it doesn't sink in read it again, pay attention to the voice on the end of the phone that just sighed with relief simply because you gave them options. In spite of the long days, the emotional challenges always remember we really are the lucky ones after all as Confucius said when you 'choose a job you love, you will never have to work a day in your life' 
So whatever the week ahead brings I'm thankful for the challenge and the people I meet and I'm grateful that I stepped back from the edge all those years ago deciding to ride the train instead, after all when all's said and done 'we are all just star stuff' and here to shine a path for each other through even the darkest nights, and to those already journeying through the night sky I wish you peace.
with love,
..
Suzy

www.seraphinapilates.com

2013 is almost done....on the one hand its been the most amazing year, on the other hand that darn learning curve took itself off it's own graph and was last seen heading towards Saturn. As a general rule I'm an optimist, a half glass kinda girl and steadfastly remain so but I don't always learn quickly and I don't like letting go or giving up, so sometimes I hang on to the edge of the raft even when I can clearly see the very miffed Tiger sitting in the dingy opposite me.So as I stare out of the raft and back at this year it's been about travel, meeting new people, friendship, love, revising past chapters in my story so far and final curtain calls.

And so after a busy beginning to the year for Easter this year I learnt more about Islam in Morocco than I ever expected, and from a Muslim man. I gained a level of respect for a culture that in truth I knew very little about, this beautiful country with its warm people and colorful women reminded me nothing beats an open mind or an open heart where education is concerned. From there in May I found myself back in Italy for our first Pilates Retreat of the Year. I love teaching in Casperia, enough said. The following week my life was being saved at St Mary's Hospital, London, when a rather frustrated Appendix decided enough was enough. The NHS is a true gift, however flawed, I will always be grateful for the scars I have left, of course I don't mind them, they remind me several people saved my life one average Tuesday night after teaching,  Too busy to notice I was really quite sick.

2 weeks later its June and I was back teaching in Cyprus, scars barely healed but able to complete the Full Mat work albeit gently, that's the true gift of Mr Pilates work, if the exercises are in your body, your body will use them to heal you when you most need them to. July was a conference in Valencia, run by the too fabulous +TonyBalongo http://www.valenciaclassicalpilates.com/ Whilst there I got to see the ever lovely +BrookeSiler again but also got to meet someone who would inspire just a little gift of hope in me on those days when it all gets a bit over whelming and scary out there in Pilates land, +KathiRossNash exudes an energy and passion for Pilates which is truly infectious, she also makes me smile, and I love her for it.

In August I turned 40 in NYC and did ballet barre classes like no Ballet classes I've ever experienced before, I'm not sure I ever want to meet those muscles again in my lifetime, I met +CareyRegan http://www.reabnyc.com/instructors_Bio.asp?ID=51318377 who simply told me to spread my wings and let go, whilst talking to my mother about her cat.

September was back to teaching Retreats in Cyprus and finally returning to Casperia where I have never laughed so much, ever, being locked out at midnight during a storm being a truly memorable moment. Nothing like being in a scene from Ab Fab and realizing its a scene from your actual life. I also started my Classical training with +AlisonGoodman at http://www.pilatesnation.co.uk/ .In truth my brain is fried with all the extra learning I'm trying to absorb but then I just hear Carey's and Kathi's words and I beat those wings a little harder and hope I dont land too hard on my tush. And finally in November I found myself in Florence two days after my divorce was finalized, How is it such a perfect, beautiful City seemed so vast, overwhelming and frightening, thank goodness for =DeborahLessen and +FrancescaBertoni at http://www.bodybalancestudio.it/pilates.html and Prosecco!

And already its December, This year I've continued to be a volunteer with The Mayhew Animal Home and cried too many tears over our ridiculous Breed specific legislation. I've restored a company (no idea how I managed that) I've finally got my way after three years of legal dullness when a Barrister, and I quote, finally gave in just to get rid of the 'annoying little girl'. And I ended a marriage, knowing your doing the right thing doesn't always make it pain free or less exhausting. My eldest cat died suddenly one spring night, my youngest dog just had his knee reconstructed and is currently the reincarnation of Tigger when he is supposed to be rehabilitating steadily, my Grandmother developed Bone Cancer and still got herself to Brighton for Christmas at The Grand Hotel, that learning curve was last seen heading towards a Galaxy far, far, away. I've had a year of friends caring and not caring, I've had fabulous clients reminding me of just what it is I'm destined to do. I've had Sleep restored by thoughts of Unicorns and girlfriends there to remind me its not a rehearsal, I've also had a mother telling me to eat. But that's it, as this year draws to an end I'm reminded that every mistake, misunderstanding, memory (good and bad), and magical moment were exactly as they were meant to be, perhaps more profoundly, when I couldn't decide between an Angel, Pegasus or Unicorn for my next Tattoo someone unwittingly made the decision for me. Well after all, 'Life is too important to be taken seriously' Mr Wilde, you are so right.

Happy New Year to All that are walking the walk and spreading those wings,

Suzy x

A man called Toto....

Its an underpass, covered in Graffiti, the kind found in a lot of Italy, bold, aggressive. A little look closer however, and you realise its actually artwork, images and words I'm sure the local community understand much better than me, that said I'm uneasy in this rabbit warren but somethings different, I can hear opera, loud, glorious, unapologetic and compelling, I can also smell incense. Its then I'm introduced to Toto, he's a man that's lived several lives in one, he is homeless, I'm not sure if he lives in the underpass but he directs the ambiance, the hustle and the bustle with the elegance of a concert pianist. He makes an area you would normally rush to get through an oasis in the blindness of day to day routine. He hands me some incense, a gift from a stranger to a stranger and I am deeply humbled and feeling just a little foolish in Florence.

So here I am in a city I once visited 20 years ago, I've barely breathed since my divorce came through. I hate flying, I'm anxious in groups of people I don't know, I don't know where I'm staying or how to get there and I'm not sure I want to spend two days thinking about Pilates, and then I meet Toto and everything finds its place. I'm here to study with +DeborahLessen courtesy of  +FrencescaBertoni of https://www.facebook.com/www.bodybalancestudio.it . I'm the only participant from the UK, everyone else is Italian or Dutch. Deborah is here post knee surgery and amazingly sharp and generous given the jet lag she must have been feeling and the challenges of a recovering knee. I'm staying in a B&B which is actually a delightful couples house where they let rooms, no hotel anonymity for me, just a delightful rotund cat and a toy poodle living in fear of her. Its a strange thing taking yourself out of your comfort zone, forgetting that others will find my being vegan odd and simply say so. Cue the Prosecco and a tantrum when the waiter serves it in a sherry glass, 'Please bring me a grown up glass' I heard myself say (I'm a little stressed!). Francesca is a delight and a truly passionate Pilates soul with a beautiful studio, generous spirit and could not have made things easier for me and those attending, although I have to say moving equipment via a horse box (straw included) was a unique, magical and somewhat surreal moment.

After two days taking in the wisdom of Deborah http://www.deborahlessenpilates.com/green_street.php and learning albeit with creative hand signalling from the other participants I spent a third day just walking through a magical city, taking in its beauty, its warmth and its elegance. I'd survived taking myself out of my comfort zone, no harm done. I met new people, collided head on with other cultures (yes I can really help lift a reformer), I drank Prosecco in grown up glasses and waited 45 minutes for a bath to fill (who knew the art of learning patience was in the bubbles all along), I learnt I could fly alone without the Captain having to divert the plane due to passenger hysteria. I learnt that being a vegan is confusing to some, And?! but most of all I learnt that a man called Toto was the lesson I was really meant to take, that in the places that often fill you with fear, where there are so many exits you don't know which one to take, where sometimes you have to go underneath where you are comfortable and feel safe to cross to the other side, that all you have to do is stop and listen. Because music to lift your soul is playing somewhere, you just have to tune the rest of the noise out to stand a chance of hearing it.

Pilates love and energy as always....

Suzy x
www.seraphinapilates.com